Good Grief

Grief is a powerful emotion, probably one of the strongest and most complex. They say it comes in stages and that may be true initially but grief, in some form, stays with you a long time. And I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing.

Don’t get me wrong, death sucks. It is a very unfortunate part of life. It’s the only thing guaranteed in life and it’s what equalizes all of us.

But our loved ones are always with us, in our hearts and minds. They are woven into our memories and that is such an amazing gift for us and a tribute to them.

I lost both of my parents within 2 ½ years of each other. They both battled illness in their remaining months which didn’t lend to the best quality of life for them at times, but they always believed in making the best of any situation.

My Dad passed away on Memorial Day which seemed fitting for a WWII veteran and a man who loved and fought for his country. My Mom passed 2 months after my 40th birthday. I’ll never forget visiting her on my birthday.

She was in a specialty hospital on a ventilator with a traech so talking was difficult, but she was alert and communicating in other ways. She had gotten someone to buy a card for me which she signed as best she could. She also must have told every nurse and employee on the floor that it was my 40th birthday because everyone that I saw wished me Happy Birthday (and of course she told them my age because she knew I wasn’t thrilled about revealing that number). I know she wished more than anything that she could be at my birthday party. And she was frustrated that she couldn’t get me a present. I don’t know if she realized it, but she had just given me more than I’d imagined was possible considering the rough road she had been on for the previous year. I learned so much from my parents in their lifetime, but it was in their deaths that they taught me some of life’s greatest lessons.

I was devastated to be an orphan at 40 but I knew I was lucky to have had them for as long as I did. They had me and my brother later in life and I know that leaving us too soon was a concern of theirs.

Anger, denial, confusion, fear, depression, a feeling of emptiness, second guessing every decision and conversation. Those are just some of the emotions experienced. And they come in waves, often at unexpected times. Even with the good memories comes that sadness that there won’t be new memories to be made with that person we are missing.

Some people are silent in their grief, others aren’t. For me, it helps to talk about it. Not for sympathy for me but as a remembrance of them. I still share pictures of them or other loved ones I’ve lost or post on birthdays or ‘anniversaries’ because I want to remember someone special in my life that is no longer there. I don’t ever want to forget, even when remembering is painful.

When I see a friend on Facebook make a similar post, I always stop and read it and my heart goes out to them. I know those days are hard. But for me, its not always those specific days that are hardest. It’s all the times in between. Whether it’s triggered by a sad ASPCA commercial, a sappy Lifetime movie, that damn “Christmas Shoes” song, or writing a blog about it while balling your eyes out in an airport.

Losing a parent is one of the toughest losses there is, regardless of how old they were, or how sick, or whatever the situation. But the truth is that mine did live a long happy life which gives me some peace.

I’ve also lost friends that didn’t have the chance to live out their lives and I have friends that have lost children and those losses are unbearable. I lost one of my closest friends Laura to cancer at 42. She had so much more to give to this world. I think about her every day. How I miss her outrageous laugh, her cutting humor and her foul mouth. Despite her love of profanity, she was “Miss Manners” as far a knowing etiquette for every situation. When you went to a funeral, you wanted to go with Laura because she knew just what to do and what to say. I was lost without her at her funeral. And when I was planning my wedding, I know she would have had her input as to what was tasteful and what we should do or not do. I would have given anything to argue with her over those details, reminding her that it was MY special day, all the while considering her suggestions.

We can’t change the past. There are so many times when I wish we could. But we can remember the joys that those special people in our lives brought us and carry those memories with us and continue those traditions and share them with the people we love here on Earth.

For me it is cathartic. Yes, it may hit me at inopportune times (like sitting in a crowded airport writing a blog) and I might cry like a baby for a minute or two. But it will pass, and I’ll smile and even laugh at myself for being so sappy. And I’ll think of that loved one smiling down on me. And they are probably laughing with me at how silly I am, which makes me smile bigger and laugh harder.

Grief is a process and if we don’t go through it, we can’t get to the next stages…acceptance, healing, fond memories. I guess grief can be good, or at least necessary. Because even through tears and incredible sadness, there can be smiles and comfort.