Land of Hopes and Dreams

A friend of mine from high school passed away this Summer. It was right around the time of our planned reunion which had been cancelled due to the Covid-19 pandemic. It will be rescheduled for another time, but my friend won’t have the opportunity to attend. We really didn’t know each other well in high school but had reconnected years later through a family relative. She is survived by a loving husband, another schoolmate of ours, her children and family that loved her. She was kind and funny and left a legacy behind that will always be remembered.

We weren’t close but it affected me deeply. It took me back to high school and got me wondering, what were her hopes and dreams back then and did she feel they were fulfilled? Then it got me thinking the same for me, what were my hopes and dreams back in school…and what were they now?

I’ve never been a “goal” person in the traditional sense. Many people label themselves by what they do for a living but I have never been that person. Sure there were times when I was younger where I wanted to be an astronaut or a teacher, or even now a writer, but I’ve never thought of work in those defining terms. I work to live, not the other way around. I don’t believe that anything I could contribute to a job or career is something that I will be remembered for. It’s those times in between that are important to me. Inside jokes with close friends, helping people, being generous with my time for others and innately knowing how to be there for the people I care about without having to be reminded or instructed.

I’ve been trying to think back to those school days and remember my younger, naïve self and what it was that I wanted out of life. I had decent grades and knew I was going to college, after losing a brief protest with my parents, but I didn’t have a specific path in mind. It was the 80’s and business was what I was pushed towards. Computers were the future so I directed my sights towards that for a time, until I found out that I had to minor in Math! But college awakened the inner social butterfly in me and my focus was on enjoying life and living in the now. A decree that I still live by to this day.

As much as I tend to be an overthinker, I never really sat down and analyzed why I didn’t think in the “long term” but now in retrospect I think that I know part of the reason. When you are hiding a big part of yourself for so long, the future looks different than you had hoped it would be or dared dream it to be. Being gay is difficult. It was even more so back then. There was no Will & Grace or movies to look to for a familiar face, for acceptance or even a role model. Often times it was lonely. You felt different but didn’t necessarily know why or have a name for it. Having attended Catholic school and growing up in that religion, you were told that you would be condemned in God’s eyes. And for me, even worse than that, was that your family and friends would hate you and turn away from you. That’s a lot for a kid to digest. How do you plan for a life with that overshadowing your every thought? Your future, a true future of acceptance and finding out who you are, doesn’t seem attainable. And a future built on lies was not an option for me. Now with years of hindsight, I think that is why I never thought or planned long term. I just wanted to be happy and to this day, that’s my life goal.

I always envied people that knew what they wanted “to be” and went after it. I believe if I really knew what I wanted career-wise, and most importantly if I had the confidence back then, I would have been just as spirited and dedicated to achieving it. Not to say that I didn’t have moments where I followed those types of ‘dreams’.

At 17 years old, I went off to college about 2,000 miles away with only one person that I knew at the school. There was no safety net of high school friends and familiar faces or running home to Mom and Dad on the weekends. I still try to think back to younger me to recall what I was thinking to do something so out of my comfort zone and so out of character for me? I was nervous, scared, anxious but knew that I wanted something different and I had been drawn to the Lone Star state for a long time from visits to relatives. I found a part of myself there and it was both one of the hardest things that I had ever done and also one of the best. I surprised a lot of people with that decision — family, friends, even myself — but I took a leap of faith and did it. I stayed in Texas for several years after college and although I eventually returned home, I see that experience as a personal triumph for me.

At 28, having returned home and while working full time, I decided to pursue my love of music and radio by going to broadcasting school and interning at a local radio station. Again, something very out of the norm for me. I was probably the quietest person in class. As you can imagine there are a lot of big personalities in radio and television. But I had my own ideas and found my own authentic voice that was able to shine through. That wasn’t what I ended up doing as a career but I learned a lot about the industry, where I could fit into it and what I did and didn’t want from it. Following through with something is still a win even if it doesn’t live up to your expectations or pan out how you had hoped. Sometimes the journey and the learning experience ends up being more important than the goal in itself.

I also realize now as an adult that goals and dreams change over time as we grow and that every next level of my life will demand a different me.

At those times when I think that maybe I haven’t done enough to find my passion, I try to remember those days when I followed my heart and took some chances. It’s easier to do when you are younger. You don’t have preconceived notions of what you are “supposed to do” or you are trying to break free from those expectations. Not having a mortgage and bills also helps!

Like most people, I used to think of life in the terms of ‘nexts’ and tended to rush time. “I can’t wait to be in High School. I can’t wait for this year to be over and then I’ll be a Senior! I will be in College soon and can start all over. I have to find a job and start my adult life”. Now with some years and many life lessons behind me, I do my best not to wish away time. Even during some of the most difficult times, I try to be conscious of the perils of falling into that trap.

It’s true that with age comes wisdom. You learn to appreciate the value of time more when you understand that you have less of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I have very few regrets in life. I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do know who I am and what is important to me. That is even more valuable in my opinion.

So when I think of my friend, one of many that has left this world too soon, I wish we had gotten to talk about those hopes and dreams that we may have had as kids. Life takes us on many detours but I do believe that we end up where we were meant to be, even if it looks different than those hazy images from the past. She made an impact on me. When all is said and done, that in itself means something. A life well lived. In the end, that is what matters to me.