Learning To Fly

Making a major change in your life is a big deal. With some changes, all areas of your life can be affected. As I finish my 6th week at my new job I am reminded of this. Some people may think that starting a new job is not earth-shattering news. But for someone who is not a ‘job hopper’ and who has only left one other job, it’s been a major adjustment for me (all my other jobs left me through mergers, office closings and downsizing, remember the ‘Corporate Kiss of Death’ days? lol). So, for me to go through this process and make the jump on my own was epic in my world.

I spent 12 years at my last company and although there were more downs than ups, I knew what I had there. I describe it as a dysfunctional or abusive relationship. You could work your hardest to prove yourself and try to win praise and recognition from those in charge, but at the end of the day it was never enough, and you were either ignored or got the figurative back of the hand right across the face. Voices in your head start to echo theirs and you think that maybe you don’t deserve better.

But even knowing all that, I stayed. For a long time. Always hoping that this was the year they would really “see me” and I would get that opportunity I had been waiting and working for. I didn’t. There were a lot of carrots dangled along the way but even when I reached them, they were pulled away.

Now I am starting over and honestly it can be scary. I went from being “the go-to guy” that had all the answers or could get them, to knowing nothing. NOTHING. I don’t like that feeling. It is hard for me to have to depend so much on others for basic information that I need to do my job. But a challenge was what I needed. I was getting stale where I was at. I wish I could be the type that just checks out at 5pm and is done. But I’m not. If there is more that I know I can do, I want to do it. Despite being able to do my previous job on auto pilot, I knew that the climate and culture of the company was damaging to my psyche and affecting me negatively in other areas of my life.

I know the move was the right thing to do at the right time. I always had this philosophy about myself when it came to work. Basically, it was that I may not have it all together in other areas of my life but when it came to a job, there was nothing that I could not do or could not learn. It was confidence, not arrogance. So why did I still feel lost? Maybe this is how I was supposed to feel. It’s been so long since I started something new, maybe I had forgotten what it is like. Maybe it doesn’t come as easy to me as it did when I was younger. Maybe I’m being hard on myself because I wanted this change so badly and now those doubts are creeping in if I don’t know an answer. Maybe those old voices still haunt me.

What I do know is that I am moving forward. I don’t know yet if this is the ‘next big thing’ for me but it is the next thing. I know in my heart that I deserve better than what I had and I believe I will find it here. Not because I feel entitled to it, but because I work hard for it. I’ve packed up my doubts, fears, confidence and optimism and am bringing them along for the ride. They are always with me. I am fortunate to have the support of so many people who inspire me and give me strength, but this is something only I can do. And as long as my heart continues to win out over my head, I will keep smiling and finding my way. I still ain’t got wings, but I’m learning to fly.