Lost and Found

“Not all those who wander are lost.” I’ve always believed that to be true. I have never been a person with a master plan and never knew “what I want to be when I grow up” (I still don’t). But I have realized recently that I have been ‘lost’ for a while now.

When I was a kid, one of my favorite movies was Logan’s Run. It’s a futuristic science fiction movie where people lived in a seemingly idyllic society except for the fact that your life is limited to the age of thirty and you were then terminated in a sort of religious type ceremony. I was not a morbid child by any means, but I couldn’t imagine myself as an older person, I just couldn’t picture it in my mind and that movie always stood out to me. I couldn’t see my future.

Both of my parents passed away about 2 ½ years apart. I was very close with them. There are 5 years between me and my older brother and my Mother had 5 miscarriages during that time before I was born. She always said I was her ‘miracle’. (I’ve been called many things in my life but never that) They had me later in life and as we all grew older, I knew it was my responsibility to take care of my parents, it was my purpose. And I did. I quit my job to take care of my Mom, moved her closer to me and then moved in with her to provide round the clock care, was her advocate with hospital and nursing home care and making medical decisions during her long illness. My life became about caring for her. I still worked, had my relationship and friendships but my time was not always my own. I never thought twice about it, never looked back but I put that above everything else in my life.

When my Mom passed away, I remember a few people saying that I must be ‘relieved’. I never felt that. I would have done it a hundred times over and would have given anything to have her here for one more day. I had no regrets; I had done everything I could have done for her and for my Father. They were my world. I had fulfilled my purpose. And then there was a huge void. Now what?

Now I didn’t know what my purpose was. I didn’t have excuses for putting things off or for not thinking ahead and moving forward. I don’t mean that I was doing nothing and paralyzed with uncertainty. I’ve always been good at juggling multiple things but it felt like I was mostly just going through the motions. My world had changed drastically and I wasn’t sure what my path should be or even how to take those first steps.

It’s been well over a decade since they passed and I’ve found myself wandering in many ways since then. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not alone. I am married to a wonderful man who saw me through some of the toughest times of my life, I’ve got a good job and I’m fortunate to have family and friends that care about me. But I have been filling that void or that lack of purpose with other things, with distractions. Not necessarily bad distractions and I’ve certainly had a good time along the way but I’ve realized that I have been trying to do things that take the focus off of me and what I should, or want to, accomplish.

There have been some changes in my life in the past couple of years, some painful and challenging, but necessary. It’s opened my eyes to my current surroundings, and it’s given me some glimpses of the future that I want. That’s been heightened even further the past few months due to Covid-19 isolation and has given me a clearer picture of who and what is important to me. I’m a worrier, always have been, but I’ve been reminded lately that there are things that we cannot control, and I can’t continue to spend valuable time worrying about those things. I can control my actions and those actions can move me forward towards the future that I now see for myself and my family.

When I was younger, I was very creative and had big ideas and a great imagination. I feel that I have lost that. I blamed a lot of that on ‘Corporate America’ and their lack of appreciating that in employees and sucking the life out of them. And while that may be true, it’s also my fault for not hanging on tighter to those parts of me and for losing sight of the importance of being a dreamer. Those personal traits are like a muscle, you must exercise them regularly otherwise they lose their strength and can get left behind.

And as we get older, we have to work harder at the things that used to come easier to us. We have to take the time for things that give us joy, that bring us to life, that we are passionate about. It’s easier said than done as I have put off writing projects for many years and even now am finally sitting down to write this blog that has been in my head for months. But I’m here and I’m writing and that is a first step. A first of many.

I’m making an effort to be more conscious of finding and keeping the things that bring me happiness and add positively to my life and letting go of those that don’t. I’ve never been good at letting go of things, whether they be actual material things or friendships. I am very sentimental and tend to hang on to things and people that have long passed their expiration date.

It’s OK to honor parts of our past that are memorable and worthy of revisiting but it’s also OK to lose those parts that aren’t, and to move on. They say with age comes wisdom, perhaps that is part of it, finding clarity as we look back in order to move forward.

I’m finding myself again and in new ways as I continue to take these life lessons and use them to move forward. I’m taking the time to think about what is important to me and what I want to take with me on future journeys. I realize now that only the important things should come with me and that means leaving some behind. And I know now that it is alright to do that.

I’ve always believed in living life to the fullest and living in the ‘now’ and I don’t ever want to change the free spirit in me. But I realize more now that I can still do that but in a more thoughtful way.

Thinking about the future used to scare me. Maybe because I didn’t know what it was or what it could look like. I don’t pretend to have all the answers. I’m a work in progress but I’m continuing to move myself forward in that progression. I may never find ‘it’ whatever that means, but I am on the road and the journey is the best part. And now as I wander down my path I know I’m not lost, I’m just finding myself again.